


Baking and Bad Habits

by Make_or_Blake



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self Depreciating Thoughts, Self-Harm, The others are mentioned but aren't there at any point, dark themes, negative thinking, patton is having a hard time, the fluff isnt a lot but i think its cute so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:34:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26282728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Make_or_Blake/pseuds/Make_or_Blake
Summary: Patton just wants to DO something. At least cookies won't make things worse.Right?
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66





	Baking and Bad Habits

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Be ware the tags
> 
> If you're struggling with self-harm or anything at all please look up the resources in your area. You're not alone.  
> Don't read this is any of the tags may be triggering for you. Self care comes first.

Patton sniffed as he mixed the cookie batter, holding the bowl close to him, and trying to pretend his arms weren’t throbbing consistently and more that, that wasn’t the only thing keeping him grounded. The strings on his cat hoodie dangled in front his vision as he mixed, having not only put on the hoodie but pulled the hood up. If he ignored it enough maybe he could convince himself he was okay. He knew that wasn’t healthy, but he didn’t have anything else.

“Patton?”

Patton jumped and turned to look. “Janus, hey,” Patton smiled and hoped it was convincing even if he knew it probably wasn’t. His still slightly red eyes would surely be a give him away.

“What are you doing?” he asked stepping forward and looking into the bowl Patton had stop stirring.

“Cookies?”

“Any particular reason for that?”

“Well, they can’t exactly make things worse?”

“You need to add more milk.”

Patton looked down at the mix. “Oh, thank you,” he said before turning to the fridge to retrieve the milk. He realised relatively quickly he had no idea what cookie dough was actually meant to look like and even less how much milk to add. Janus seemed to pick up on that.

“Here,” he said coming over, “Let me help.” Patton really couldn’t do anything right. He let Janus take the bowl, breath catching when his sleeve rode up slightly. Janus didn’t see but he seemed to notice Patton’s reaction.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Patton said too quickly before he could think better of it. He mentally slapped himself for it.

Janus set the bowl aside on the bench and reached out to gently and touched Patton’s forearm. Patton flinched. Janus eyebrows lowered in obvious concern. He moved his other hand towards Patton’s sleeve and he went to pull away but Janus caught the back of his elbow, looking a mix of determined and worried.

“I-” Janus shushed him. He pulled Patton’s sleeve back, revealing his just cleaned, badly bandaged cuts.

“Oh, Pat,” he said gently as he examined Patton’s arm.

“Don’t tell the others.” Janus looked up at him sceptically and Patton could feel his breathing picking up. “Please,” his voice broke and he watched Janus’ expression soften even further.

“Okay. If you let me clean these.” Janus gently pulled his sleeve back down.

“Okay,” he mumbled. He couldn’t even keep this one secret. Always the problem. Always causing more issues. Always getting it wrong. Janus sunk them both out and they reappeared in his room.

“Wait here,” Janus said, voice still carrying a softer tone Patton wasn’t used to hearing. Pity, his mind supplied. Janus went into what Patton assumed was the bathroom and reappeared not long after holding a first aid kit. Janus gestured for Patton to sit on and bed and when he did so sat down next to him. Janus applied something onto a tissue before reaching his hand out not enough to touch Patton.

“May I?” He asked and Patton nodded. Janus took Patton’s arm and gently lifted the sleeve. “This will sting but I’ll be quick. We don’t want you getting an infection.” He said and waited for Patton’s nod before gently applying the cream over Patton’s arm in soft swabs. Why was Janus being so caring? He of all people should know Patton didn’t deserve it. Janus moved on to wrapping his arm with bandages and did a much more professional job than Patton had. One more thing he couldn’t do. If he wasn’t so useless Janus wouldn’t have to be doing this. _He hates you._ A voice in Patton’s head said. _I know._

“What are you thinking?” Janus’ voice startled Patton from his thoughts.

“Nothing,” he said reflexively. Janus raised an eyebrow but didn’t push him.

“You other arm as well?” He asked and in response to Patton’s nod outstretched his hand. Patton gave him his other arm and Janus repeated the process, taking care as he did so. Patton hated how kind he was being. He didn’t deserve it. He hated that he was bothering Janus with his issues, that Janus had found out in the first place. He found out because Patton failed. Mostly, Patton just hated himself.

“Are there any on other parts of your body, Pat? Please be honest. I will know if you lie.”

Patton shook his head truthfully and Janus seemed satisfied he was being honest, gently returning his sleeve to its original position and letting go of his gentle hold on Patton’s wrist. Patton pulled his arm in to his chest with the other one, watching himself fiddle with his hoodie strings.

“Talk to me, Pat. I agreed not to tell the others but I won’t leave you alone when I know you’re hurting.”

“Why? That doesn’t make sense!” he exclaimed.

“I give a lecture on self-care and you think I wouldn’t believe you deserve compassion?”

“I- no, I don’t know!” Patton said exasperated before following after a short pause “I really misjudged you didn’t I?”

“We all make mistakes. I’ve never been one for being upfront to begin with,” Patton nodded slightly, his guilt clearly written over his expression. “I forgive you,” Janus added and Patton’s eyes shot up to meet his.

“Why?”

Janus shrugged. “Because you deserve it, and because I believe you’ve made honest mistakes and are trying to grow. What else could I ask?”

Patton looked back down.

“Can you forgive me?”

“What?”

“I’ve made mistakes too. I know my… approach in past, could definitely have been better.”

That was true. Patton hadn’t even been thinking about that. Janus was is no way perfect, but Patton had still been wrong, had still misjudged him. It was different. Because Janus obviously wasn’t evil or unkind or anything Patton might have thought he was previously, but Patton had definitely ruined everything.

“I already did,” he said then looked back down in a sudden intense bout of shame, “You deserve it more than I do.”

Janus’ hand came forward and gently lifted Patton’s chin to meet his eyes again, and he had that darn tender look on his face again. He _cared_. “What makes you say that?”

“I-” Patton started before cutting himself off with a sob, surprising himself with how suddenly the emotion came on. He pulled away from Janus’ touch as much as it killed him to do so and wiped his eyes with the palm of his hand through his sleeve. “I’m sorry,” he choked out.

“Take your time.” Janus said summoning a box of tissues and placing it in front of Patton who looked at him gratefully. After using a tissue and sniffling for a while Patton took a deep breath to steady himself.

“Why are you doing this?” Patton asked.

“Doing what?”

“Being so, so kind! I don’t understand. Why are you helping when I don’t deserve it?” he was almost crying again.

He reached out and took Patton’s hand in his own giving him plenty of time to move away if he wanted. When he was holding Patton’s hand firmly, he squeezed it and spoke. “Let me be the judge of what you deserve for now, okay?”

Patton felt the tears start pouring down his face before he could start to think of an answer. Janus pulled him forward into a hug and it didn’t take Patton long to be clinging to him and bawling into his shoulder, ignoring the voice calling him selfish because he couldn’t bear the thought of pulling away. Patton sobbed his heart out into Janus’ shoulder while Janus rubbing soothing patterns on his back. Patton sobbing subsided mostly and even if he didn’t feel ready to move away in the slightest he pulled away from the embrace. Janus did the same, giving Patton space as he wiped his eyes.

Patton didn’t know what made him do it but he started talking “I-I just, I’ve always tried to do what’s right and I always get it wrong and I-I hurt everyone in the process and it doesn’t make it any better I had good intentions I still-” he cut himself off with a sob, “I still hurt the people I care about, and Roman thinks I don’t love him and Virgil’s upset and Logan doesn’t feel listened to and I know they’re all mad and don’t wanna talk but I-I don’t know I feel like I have to do something but I don’t know how to fix anything.” Patton was crying again but at a more manageable level this time.

“Hence the cookies?” Janus asked gently.

Patton sighed, “I know it’s stupid.”

“I don’t think that’s stupid at all.”

Patton hiccupped. “You don’t?” he asked wiping his eyes again.

“Not even slightly. You want to do something good for the people you care about and that’s difficult at the moment. It’s a lovely sentiment.”

“They all hate me.” Patton choked out. “And they’re right to. I mess everything up and I’m sorry but that doesn’t fix anything. I never deserved them in the first place.”

“Pat,” Janus said to get his attention, Patton tentatively met his eyes and was taken aback by the amount of genuine –at least he thought it was genuine- compassion he could see behind them. “No one hates you. I don’t know what anyone’s feeling but I think they’re hurt right now and need some time. But no one hates you.”

“I do.” Patton replied, sounding hopeless. Janus took Patton’s hand in his own, squeezing it gently.

“That doesn’t mean you should. Feelings aren’t always based in reality. Just because you believe something doesn’t make it true.”

“But I hurt everyone.”

“You’ve never been hurt by someone before and moved past it?”

“I- yes but this is different. What if,” Patton’s breath caught in his throat, “What if they never forgive me? What if I can’t fix it?”

“You’re trying aren’t you? I don’t think it’s presumptuous of me to say you’re planning to apologise and do what you can. What else do you want from yourself? You’re not perfect. That doesn’t make you unforgivable or unworthy of love. Would you be this harsh to anyone else?”

Patton opened his mouth to defend his thought process before stopping short and sighing again. “No, probably not.”

“I know I owe some apologies as well. And you’ve just said you forgive me. They love you. Maybe you’re right and they’re upset right now but that doesn’t mean they love you any less.”

“You sound so sure.”

“I am sure.”

“I wish I was,” Patton’s voice cracked.

“You don’t have to be. Just try not to beat yourself up.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking to you about this, I didn’t mean to bother you, I’m sorry,” Patton rambled, regret overwhelming him.

“Patton.” Janus cut him off, “I want to be here,” he reassured.

Patton looked away. He wanted so desperately to believe what Janus was saying, to soak up the kindness and believe he actually deserved it instead of having to feel like a monster was clawing its way out of his chest, screaming that he was worthless, whenever he didn’t pull away from a touch.

“Why don’t you stay here for a while? We could watch something? Or keep talking if you’d like.”

Patton shook his head. “I never finished the cookies.” He sounded so small and sad.

Janus pursed his lips for a second before standing up. “Alright then.” He stretched out his hand to Patton who just looked up at him curiously. “I’m helping. Let’s make some cookies.”

Patton couldn’t help the smile that slid onto his face. He took Janus’ hand.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was very venty so i just wanna assure you im fine just dramatic when i write lol. Maybe leave a comment? ill love you if you do


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